You And Your In law.


In-Law means the parents of a bride or groom.
     Therefore, Parents can be a blessing to a couple to be OR to a married couple by offering LOVE, WISDOM, and ENCOURAGEMENT.    
      The Bible makes note of several supportive "in-law" relationships, namely Ruth and Naomi, Peter and his mother-in-law, and Jethro, who guided Moses. Yet the abundance of in-law jokes and stories testifies to the fact that parents can also be a HEAVY BURDEN for a couple to bear.
       The Bible also has an example of this. David's father-in-law, King Saul, tracked him down to try to kill him
  Whether you've had them for months, or it's been many years, in-law conflicts are certainly nothing new. Occurring in many forms, they tend to be ongoing issues that revolve around the couple or couple to be as a whole.
      Hmmm...other things may change but the truth is we'll start and end with our family. Therefore. Don't be deceive.

As a counselor  and the preacher of good news for many years. I've witness and even counsel couples and a lot of couples to be  who have alternations with there in-laws. Such as; the husband is poor or he doesn't come from a standard home. The girl is to proud and extravagant or alternation based on faith ( religion) his/her parent look down on me because they are of different religion. Which causes unlimited and life hatred etc.
     All these issues are VERY REAL and RAMPANT not only in YORUBA land or African. Is all over.
   Because of these in-law issues. Many marriages had broken while some are about to break. Which makes the younger ones afraid of marriage talk less of praying of having in-laws.
    In spite of all, in-laws are unavoidable in our lives. We must have them to learn from them and drill us too. In fact life is incomplete without them.
Therefore, let us discuss some CRUCIAL NEEDED ATTITUDE that will enhance us to deal perfectly well with our IN-LAWS.

A. Develop a relationship with your in-laws..
     Establish parent/child relationship with new parents. What will you call your in-laws? They want to know. Do not interpret their interest as interference.
    If they give advice...
Remember, the decision is between YOU and YOUR SPOUSE, but be mature enough to recognize when advice is GOOD and FOLLOW IT with humility. And If you decide not to follow it, decline with respect and don't be rude in any manner.

B. Look for positive characteristics...
       Everyone has good side. You will be much happier if you look for the positive side of your inlaw instead of their negative side, and expect to get along. Accept them for what they are.
Treat your in-laws with respect and courtesy. ( If they hurt you or rude to your parents. Calm down and settle with your parents first to avoid in laws war; then talk to your spouse about it. If he/she also supported them, be silent to think straight not divorce.).   
      Avoid causing resentment by saying to doing things that can never be taken back.  These people will be a permanent part of your life.
If conflict is unavoidable, keep visits short. Give them (and you) time to adjust.
    Grow into a new relationship with your own parents before and after your marriage (This will greatly help your spouse with his/her in-law adjustment.)
      When you get married. Or after your introduction (this is optional) Withdraw closeness (not love) from parents and siblings. Re-adjust your relationship; they are not your primary family now.  This can be hard for parents, but wise parents will help you do this.
Make your spouse your first priority (come home to him/her first)
     If your husband/wife is the first born or a single sex in their family. I will advise the other spouse to be prudent in dealing with him/her because you cannot withdraw such spouse from his/her parents and let me tell you there is 80% assurance that your spouse parent will love their own son/daughter than you except they trusted or love you willingly. Especially the mother and at time father. Else, you must pray to be rich and be there for their son/daughter always. And also; both spouse must love themselves deeply.

C. Build your relationship with your mate. Do not discuss your mates’ faults with friends and family. ( this is too common among wives and her parents & mum's pet husbands)    
       The truth of such attitude is that; it builds resentment against your mate, and can even help to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.  If you must complain to someone, talk it out with your wife/husband.
        Continually build your marriage, your home and making it the number one priority in your life.
       Do not hold your own family up a model. It is okay that your family has different habits and patterns from your spouse’s. But It’s time to combine them for your own new family traditions.

D. Appreciate your in law when they assist you but don't allow their gifts to override your decision.
     Showing gratitude is a pathway to greatness in life. But it might loses value if your in laws does it to dictate what couples should do as one body. If your in law gives you 50 billion or build a mansion for you.   
      The fact is that; they are playing their role as good parents. But, how to maintain the house and use the money is for the spouse to sit down and decide on what to do. Which will make their both parents to be proud of them. Therefore, I will advise couples to be a good manager of resource and not a waster of it. And also be wise.

E. Set Boundaries ..
   Throughout my years in counseling couples as a servant of God. I always advise couples to avoid third party in marriage. What do I mean. In laws should allow their married couples to plan their home and take decisions by themselves.  
     Their part as parents is to encourage them, pray for them and advise them when needed. Visit them when its important. And when you pay them visit, don't criticize. Set boundaries on what to say. Don't cause trouble before you go. Therefore, as couples. Be  constructive in whatever you want to tell your parent, your siblings or your "so called friends" about your marriage ( set boundaries).
    Finally before I conclude this first part. Let me say this two things.  
      Before you marry, learn everything you ought to learn and follow godly advise that will not destroy you or your spouse and your marriage.
      Secondly. Know for sure that every family has certain routines and traditions that they follow.  Some of these traditions are based on weddings, religious events, ethnic backgrounds, or socioeconomic class.  Many times a family will not even realize that they have these traditions or procedures. 
     They have done them for so long, It as become a part of the family.
     Most families have specific ways to celebrate holidays and special occasions.( some In laws will be expecting their ground children during holidays no matter the distance). They have never had a reason to even think about doing things a different way. So know the tradition of your In law before you set in. And also, couples shouldn't hide such things for themselves. Be open to each other. If He/She will stay and comply and if not, sought it out amicably with understanding and maturity.
     Believe it or not. A marriage combines two different backgrounds and gives an immediate reason to start evaluating why things are done the way they are.
So, as important as it is to maintain family traditions or let me say rituals. One of the most important thing that couples can do is to evaluate what they want for their NEW FAMILY. Then begin your own family traditions by considering the future of your children too as an extended family. Let me conclude by saying.
" The only superior and everlasting foundation you can set as a standard for you family is ON JESUS. THE SOLID ROCK".
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Till will meet in second part.
Stay blessed. 
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            Am prophet Victor..

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